i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
