i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
