Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
