I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
