Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
