need another drink. this is the easiest way
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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