now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
