I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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