No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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