wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
