It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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