i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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