He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
