you traded sex for a burrito?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
