I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize