I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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