Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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