Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
