I swear she didn't look like that last week.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
