from now on my penis is your penis
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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