i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
