I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
