i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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