please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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