I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
