I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
