What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
