You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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