shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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