You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
