I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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