Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
