you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
