He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
