when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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