Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
