John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I forget how to act sober
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
