and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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