Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
