***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
