What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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