You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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