So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
