Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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