My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
In America we eat man semen.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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