somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
