So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
