Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
