i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
