Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
