Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
