sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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