I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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