I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
