I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
