she looked like the before picture.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
