is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
