Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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