sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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