Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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