Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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